Joke of the day

[aalpha]

Yayyyy!!! New bookmark. Those guys are whacky
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[Lamiaceae]

Random post for today


What has 5,000 legs and no pubic hair? - the front row of a boyzone concert
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I should update my sig. What to put here for $CurrentYear ?

[area51newmexico]

[tafkao]

rough transcription from standup comic Dave Hughes:

[area51newmexico]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[whufc88]

[area51newmexico]

Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.


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The road to success is not straight.
There is a curve called Failure,
A loop called Confusion,
Speed bumps called Friends,
Red lights called Enemies,
Caution lights called Family,
You will have flats called Jobs.

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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[Lamiaceae]

[area51newmexico]

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

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about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[area51newmexico]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."




Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."
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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[Ashrak]

[area51newmexico]

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he
asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of
that memory clinic?"
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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[area51newmexico]

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.


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Three women and three men are travelling by train to a seaside resort.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one
of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but
all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket,
please.'

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; they
decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any
ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[area51newmexico]

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" . But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?".
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: ...................................


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."
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Helen, the Administratrix of www.area51newmexico.com

[BubbleCum]

ahahahahahahahahahaha
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