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Lamiaceae
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

area51newmexico wrote:

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

<Snip>


They sound like Peter Kaye jokes Very Happy
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area51newmexico
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some bad taste jokes.....

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my kids!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"


------


Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?".

"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AV, this one's for you.

A woman was admitted to the hospital after having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas, and a Samsung. No Siemen was found. Laughing
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Lamiaceae
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've just phoned the NHS Direct helpline for information on this swine flu that's going about.

I just got crackling.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sms joke:
Ive been chatting to this 14 year old girl on the internet, shes funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me that she's an under cover cop, how cool is that at her age!

The new Australia movie is said to be great. Many said the little aboriginal boy nearly stole the show, but security was watching and they caught him.

I just wanted to let everyone know I will not be passing on racist jokes, racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Ashrak
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is kinda bad taste and i have nothing agains Obama but this made me laugh:

they said if a black man was elected president pigs would fly, sure enough 100 days into his presidency, swine flu
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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 7:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here you go. . .


A prisoner escaped from jail. He broke into a house around the corner on Elgin St and finds a young couple in bed.
He gets the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. kisses her on the neck , then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife; " Listen , this guy looks dangerous! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in a long time. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. If he gets angry , he may kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds" He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told me he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you TOO!
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area51newmexico
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not done a joke of the day for a while so here's a few.....

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Naughty chocolates

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a Wine Gum.
.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him
take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he
always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her
Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out
Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

---------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumuor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WTF is this?

I come in here and I see this ?

Right... retaliatory strike!









I LOVE A WOMAN WITH A CONSCIENCE

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third shop everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best shopping day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began sobbing.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'









A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache." He said.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, �Johnnie Walker Black Label Whisky and women with big tits.'
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Frighteningly, my granddad likes Johnny Walker Black Label...
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 8:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

------------------------------

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.


On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.


On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.


Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........


And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!
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AVARiCE
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The second is brilliant.

~ AVARiCE
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the second one too, but I heard a different version where she got the house and her first task was to install new curtain rods and threw the old ones in the trash.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nancy Pelosi went into her plastic surgeon’s office for her weekly face-lift. Her plastic surgeon, noticing how frequently she came in for the same procedure decided she would be a perfect candidate to test a new procedure he had been working on.

“Mrs Pelosi, would you be willing to be the guinea pig for a trial run on a NEW procedure? It will save you a lot of money – and you wouldn’t have to make your weekly trip here, freeing up your schedule quite a bit.” he said.

“What kind of procedure are you talking about?” Mrs. Pelosi inquired

“Well, ma’am – what I’m going to do is install a knob on the back of your head. It’s tiny, so no one will be able to see it through your hair. What you do is – when you notice your skin starting to sag – you give the knob a little twist. The skin will tighten right up. It’s painless and completely convenient.”

Pelosi thought about it for a moment – and decided to give it a go. The doctor successfully installed the knob on the back of her head.

“Go ahead, Mrs. Pelosi – give it a try”.

Nancy Pelosi reached to the back of her head and felt around for the little knob. She was surprised at how tiny it was. She took a deep breath and gave her new knob a twist. The skin on her face instantly tightened. She was beyond thrilled.

“Wow, Doctor! I can’t believe how convenient this is! I barely even notice the knob on the back of my head!”

Nancy left the doctor’s office – completely satisfied. Every week – she gave the knob a little turn – and with each twist, her skin tightened. This went on for several weeks. Nancy Pelosi became obsessed with this new knob. She couldn’t twist it enough. Several weeks later she notices that she had these huge bags under her eyes… she twisted the knob several times hoping to get rid of the bags. No matter how many times she turned the knob – she couldn’t get rid of these huge bags. Concerned, she phoned her doctor and made an appointment to have the bags under her eyes looked at.

“Doctor, I have NO idea why these bags have formed under my eyes! I twist and twist and twist the knob – and they NEVER go away! What’s causing these bags?!”

“Well Mrs. Pelosi… Turns out – you’ve twisted the knob way too many times. You’ve pulled your skin WAY too tight – Those aren’t bags… those are your BREASTS!”

“Oh…” said Nancy Pelosi “Then that certainly explains this goatee.”
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