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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I must be the only one here with a camera AND a joke.

An American college student was hiking through Europe and one night picked up a drop dead gorgeous blonde.

They went back to his hotel room for sex and after he reached orgasm he asked "So, you finish?" She replied "No."

So he goes at it again, climaxes a second time - "you finish?" "No."

So begins round three. Afterwards and nearly feint he says breathlessly "Are you finish now??" "No!!" she said. "I've always been Swedish and I always will be."
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.



An older man comes down the stairs.. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."




With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.




After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.




The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!




Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.




He bursts in and shouts to his master:




"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"







(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was down right mean. Razz
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bought a book the other day,

101 things to do with binary, but it only had 5 things in it do you think I should take it back ?
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some texty jokes......


Mr Whippy was found dead today with a flake up his arse, chocolate dip on his cock and strawberry sauce over his balls. Police say he topped himself.

-----

When asked if he preferred legs or breast, paddy said he had a particular fondness for shaved pussy. He was disappointed when he was informed this wasn't an option when choosing the KFC bargain bucket.


-----------------

How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations. But none of them rub your cock and say well done!

-----

Not every flower can say Love. But the Rose can.
Not every Plant survives thirst. But a cactus can.
Not every retard can read, but look at yo having a go!

-------

Just heard on the news that someone checked into the psych ward wearing a kermit the frog thong, spiderman mask, nipple clamps and riding a goat. I'll come and pick you up this time but this shit has got to stop!

------

I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clowns wig and make up, and I'll be wearing a thong and nipple tassels, I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up its arse and a tin of paint. when I'm in the bank I'm gonna get the goat to suck me off and then i'll throw the paint all over the walls whilst repeatedly shouting the words ' big fat pissflaps'. Once I get the cahs I'm gonna take a shit on the floor before escaping in a van shaped like a big pink cock.................
Lets see Crimewatch stage a fucking reconstruction of that!


-----

A dad with his little girl in the garden asks "is that a mummy-longlegs underneath tht daddy-longlegs?" Dad says "no sweetie, there are non mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlgs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on them both saying "we'll have none of that gay a shit in our fucking garden!"
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've probably seen these before but I do love taking the mick out of lawyers so I thought I'd post them again Very Happy


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, His elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.


3) LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as $20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.


Best Regards,
HRD
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got this in an email today. I can go with this.


Subject: FW: Political Correctness


Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.

Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I took my grandad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92) We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My grandad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my grandad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

------------------

> > IRISH SAUSAGES
> >
> >
> > Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
> > money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
> > Euro.
> >
> >
> > Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
> >
> >
> > He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one
> > large sausage.
> >
> >
> >
> > Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
> >
> >
> >
> > He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
> > of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
> >
> >
> >
> > Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
> > will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan ,
> > Cheers! '
> >
> >
> > They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the
> > sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your
> > mouth.'
> >
> >
> > The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
> >
> >
> >
> > They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,
> > all for free.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do
> > any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember
> > which pub I lost the sausage in.'



-------------------

Little Eric and Jenny are only 13 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Eric bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage..'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Eric, you are only 13. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Eric instantly replies, 'Our pocket money. Jenny makes five pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this. 'Well Eric, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Eric just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.




> >
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Last edited by area51newmexico on Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:43 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government..

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very clever joke aalpha.

Tesco's have installed a medical machine that for 5 and a urine sample, will diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer print read "you have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for two weeks". Impressed, Jim wondered if he would fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog sh*t, urine samples from his wife and daughter and then he w@anked into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. your tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2 Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibotics. 3. Your daugther is on cocaine, get her to rehab. 4 your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep w@nking your tennis elbow wont get better.
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,


Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.


The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned


With tea and scones,


They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'


------------------------------


Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
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