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area51newmexico
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Joined: 08 Jul 2005
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Location: East Yorkshire, England
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 Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:45 pm Post subject: Double Entendres |
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Have you ever said something completely innocent but once it has popped out of your mouth you realise the phase has another, inappropriate, meaning?
I've done some crackers this week!
I work at a printers and last week I was doing a quote for some CDs. These CDs were in a case with a printed back and front sleeve. When I was typing up the details of the quote, I described it back sleeve as a "rear insert"! I quickly deleted that and re-typed back sleeve!
At the pub on Friday, i was describing the above. One of our patrons, how much I was charging for a rear insert and I said "£170, but you get the front as well" 
Also at the pub, I was placing a sign up for a guest bitter. One of the customers pointed out that my sign wasn't straight, I replied "I don't do straight". (I just find it impossible to put anything up straight!) All the guys seemed very interested after that.
So what Double Entendres have you heard or said?
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Last edited by area51newmexico on Mon Aug 24, 2009 11:37 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Lamiaceae
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| Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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Haven't got many 'food' entendres... but got a load from work...
(Ok, not all of them are double entendres but I thought i'd mention them all the same )
Again, all names have been changed to protect the guilty
Mavis : My hand smells funny after having a go on Malcolm's squishy thing
(She meant his stress reliever toy)
======================
Thomas : ( to me ) Did you like it when I went down on you?
Me : ...
(He had seen me com... approaching through the top glass part of the door, and decided to hold the door handle up, and duck down behind the wooden part of the door so I wouldn't be able to see why I couldn't open the door.)
======================
Karen : It wont stay in if it's not stiff
(Karen decides why her new flat screen monitor needs a bit of effort to snap the base into position)
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Roberta : I want a thing that raises up!
(She meant a monitor stand)
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Jonathan : I don't need porn, I've got a daughter mate...
Me : ...
( After joking with him about not using the internet for porn, he gives me his own insight about why he doesn't need porn. What he meant was that he had a girlfriend with whom he had a daughter, and so was very happy with his relationship and so he was very happy with his girlfriend to not need porn.
It didn't come out like that though) ...
===========================
Push it in, slide it back...
Someone giving instructions on how to slide the battery panel off their temp/time/humidity clock.
I'll see if I can remember anymore...
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Last edited by Lamiaceae on Mon Aug 24, 2009 4:55 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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AVARiCE
Lowering the Tone Since 2005
Joined: 23 Sep 2005
Posts: 5780
Location: London, England
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| Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Oh double entendres, two examples from this week:
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When out on Friday with some girls from my primary school (I appreciate the gayness of the scenario but I'm cool with it) one of the girls was questioning me on my ex-girlfriend, the convo went something like this:
Her: So how long were you two going out for?
Me: About six months.
Her (knowing how much of an asshole I am): How did she put up with you for six months?
Me: I have no idea, you'd have to ask her.
Her: Yeah, I need to get with your ex-girlfriend.
It's a nice way to come out, right? Lesbians.
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Another one is also homosexual, but with me and my friend.
As we're both relatively assholish, we don't concern ourselves with the other's individual life. His Mum said that when she asked him if I enjoyed my holiday he didn't know and set about the usual "what is he like!" thing that Mum's do. I pointed out that I had no idea how their holiday either as I didn't care, much like him. She said she couldn't comprehend how we didn't ask this stuff, to which I replied:
"Well what happens in the other's life has no bearing on our single lives"
Which had more than an undertone of a life as a couple. What I meant was that it had no bearing on our individual lives.
-----
There's more tbh, I often play with words.
~ AVARiCE
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area51newmexico
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Joined: 08 Jul 2005
Posts: 10598
Location: East Yorkshire, England
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:21 pm Post subject: |
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Love those ones Minty!
One from ages ago at my old job....
..... a woman in the office had a problem with her PC. So a young man from IT, VNCed remotely onto her PC. After solving the problem, the woman asked "are you still in me?" 
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Lamiaceae
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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Mavis - Is it in yet?
(When we're paying wages or salaries, the system is backed up just before the payment is run, the back up is done to tape and there is a specific tape for a specific week.
I am often asked if the tape is in...)
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Bob - I have a floppy
(This obviously doesn't need an explanation)
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Debbie - She's got it up!
(I get a phone call about the intranet not working, I check it and it's fine, fine for everyone else as well, I ask if anyone else in their department is having trouble. I then hear this from the other side of the room...)
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Not a double entrendre again but a slip of the tongue... ...oooh err
Mavis - When can you look at my tit files ?
(I think she meant tif files)
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Jenny - I will be happy with 6 inches
(Jenny mentioned she wanted a monitor stand also, I asked how high would she want it to reach, she told me that she's not fussy).
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Jonathan - Go on then, have a feel
(Someone commented on the radiators being difficult to switch on, site maintenance guy turns up and after a bit walks back to the person who made the comment and says this )
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Thomas - Are you going to grab it then ?
(He was balancing a tray of cups of tea in his hands I will admit though)
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Mavis ( again ! ) - But I like it up the middle
(We were discussing the different types of layout for printing labels, whether we were using labels that were as wide as a sheet of paper, or did she want them where she could fit 2 across a sheet of paper with a break in the middle. Mavis obviously likes the type of label where you can fit 2 across the page.
I believe the correct printing term is '1 across the web' '2 across the web' etc, i'm sure Helen can correct me if i'm wrong).
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Mavis ( honestly ) - Yours is all big!
(I was using a very low resolution with extra large fonts just to be different, she saw my screen and commented on the size of everything on the screen).
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Mavis ( seriously, if you knew her you'd understand ) - Why does it squirt out so much? - It's gone all over the desk!
(Mavis was using her company supplied anti bacterial hand wash ( with pump dispenser top ) and didn't realise just how much was dispersed if she pushed it all the way down).
===============
Oh! - where is it!!!???!!! - Av in the sigs and avatars subsection
Do you want a small one like mine?
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AVARiCE
Lowering the Tone Since 2005
Joined: 23 Sep 2005
Posts: 5780
Location: London, England
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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It's taken people here so long to notice me (and insult me, the two seem to be tied) I almost actually got bored of A51.
Minty you old cumbucket you 
~ AVARiCE
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Lamiaceae
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aalpha
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| Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:24 am Post subject: |
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I've always wondered about couples who call each other Mommy and Daddy. Yeah, you call each other that when talking to your children cause that's who you are. But when you are talking to each other and the kids are gone - wtf!?!?!?!
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area51newmexico
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| Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:37 am Post subject: |
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| minty wrote: | | I believe the correct printing term is '1 across the web' '2 across the web' etc, i'm sure Helen can correct me if i'm wrong). |
On sheet-fed presses (i.e. not web), we say "two up" (which means two on a sheet) etc
aalpha - it's called being Kinky! 
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Rach
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| Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Oh I make double entendres/sexual innuendos all the time - some intentionally, some completely unintentionally. I cannot remember them all, but one off the top of my head that wasn't intentional was when I was explaining to someone that the vibrate function of my phone doesn't work very well...you can see where it went from there.
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Lamiaceae
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| Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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Helen : I'm cold
Me : Get something warm inside you
Helen : Pardon!?
Me :  - I meant something like a cup of tea, or soup or...
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area51newmexico
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 11:38 am Post subject: |
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And don't forget the time when you were discussing golf with my dad. You said "and is this the bit where it gets exciting?" It sounded a bit rude and nasty
One I did recently:
Me to people I've never actually met before: "Can I show you my chest?"
/geek moment
Story behind it: I'm a member of a raid group on a computer game. Every week we raid and we talk over voice chat (known as Ventrilo). A rather nice piece of chest armour dropped and I wanted to compare what I was using currently compared to this new item...
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Lamiaceae
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:28 am Post subject: |
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| area51newmexico wrote: |
And don't forget the time when you were discussing golf with my dad. You said "and is this the bit where it gets exciting?" It sounded a bit rude and nasty
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I didn't mean it like that! - I realised what i'd said as soon as I had said it though, and did correct myself.
I meant 'is this the grand finale' where everyone is on the putting green and the ball just misses the hole...
Though I still agree with Spike Milligan :-
Golf ruins a good walk
*EDIT*
Just remembered this one - not a double entendre more a slip of the tongue but... ...Ok, that sounds really bad given what you're about to read below...
When the weather is nice, me and a few friends go to the seaside, and it's tradition I buy 'Jenny' an ice cream.
Me : Do you want a 69 ?
Jenny : What ?!
Me : Don't tell me you don't know what one is?
Me : Hang on a minute... what did I say again ?
Anyway, a email circular quite fitting...
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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spartman
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 3:58 pm Post subject: |
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This happened just yesterday at the market.
As I am going down an aisle a lady, needing help with a 25 pound bag of flour,
said : " Sir, could you get it up and put it in for me ?" ( meaning her cart of course )
Well, having been watching this thread, it struck me immediately and I was hard pressed to keep from breaking down in a fit of laughter. I got the flour in her shopping cart and went on my way, lower lip seriously clenched in my teeth.
Spart
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pickle
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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Haha, happen to me today too.
Someone at college offered me a Ferrero Rocher and I replied "No thanks I don't like them. I don't do nuts." To which the class responded with laughter!
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