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area51newmexico
Goddess
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Location: East Yorkshire, England

PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:52 pm    Post subject: Joke of the Day Reply with quote

It's about time we re-started this! Feel free to post your own or ones that get emailed to you.


A tough looking group of bikers were riding round the M25 heading toward the Dartford Bridge when they saw a girl about to jump off the bridge so they stopped.



The leader, a big biker, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"



"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.



While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"



So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering French kiss, lasting about 3 minutes........



After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.



Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl............................."
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Stelalouis
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Joined: 25 May 2011
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 6:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good joke here and I got delighted with it I juts started my day with your above joke , thanks to you .
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aalpha
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Nicest Guy In The Universe/Site Admin


Joined: 17 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One night Obama tucked his girls in for the night and one of them prayed and said God bless Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and good bye grandpa.

He asked why goodbye grandpa?

I dunno, I just thought I should say it.

Next day, Grandpa is hit by a truck and dies.


weeks later same thing only now it's goodbye Grandma.

Next day Grandma is caught in the crossfire between street gangs and police. She'd so riddled with bullets they can't tell who killed her.

Holy crap!!! Obama says to himself. My baby girl is in touch with the other side.

sometime later, it's God bless mommy and goodbye daddy.

Panic stricken Obama and the SS head for Camp David that very night.

24 hours pass and no one has harmed Obama.

He returns to the white house and Michelle asks what's up, you left so suddenly.

O-man says it was nothing, false alarm I suppose.

Michelle say's whatever, we got a call yesterday, our old neighbor's son from Chicago died in a freak accident at work.



I got laid off from my Apple job 18feb11. I was really really enjoying this round of unemployment. Didn't get out of bed til 10:30-11:00am, due to the over time I worked my UI payments were about what I made with 40 hours and no OT so I was enjoying that .

Then BAM i got a new job just 10 weeks into unemployement.

I'll post abount it later - me blood sugar is low and I van barely typw.
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area51newmexico
Goddess
Goddess


Joined: 08 Jul 2005
Posts: 10598
Location: East Yorkshire, England

PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 11:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man rushes into his house and yells at his wife 'Brenda, pack ya things. I've just won the lottery,'
Brenda replies, 'shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
'I don't care,' says the man, 'just as long as you're out of the house by noon,'
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Stelalouis
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good joke here and keep the posting ahead
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area51newmexico
Goddess
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Joined: 08 Jul 2005
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Location: East Yorkshire, England

PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm so glad I got out of marketring:O

What's Your Business Sign?


Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business
Sign?
1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing
degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on
drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job
responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without
a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone
calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact
with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you
are instead content to completely control everything that happens at
your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying
but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the
Earth.
4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school.
It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads.
You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest
"ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing
your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are
mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in
the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits,
the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely
insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have
to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely
spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest
of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure
your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself.
Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your
social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab
ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your
parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could
pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to
avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced
yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a
higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will
spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without
ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the
success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain
you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and
frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the
stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability
to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the
latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are
genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually
suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious
crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
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kerim
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 11:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's very funny.
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aalpha
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy was walking down the beach and found an odd looking bottle.

He shook the sand out and a plume of smoke billowed out and formed a Genie. I can grant any wish you desire but one. Ask me for anything except eternal life and it will be yours.

Beach Guy thinks and ponders and finally says, I wish to live until Congress (Parliament) gets it's head out of its ass.

The Genie puckered up a sly grin and said You clever bastard!
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aalpha
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Location: Where ever you need me I'll be there. Whatever you need done I'll do it. Made in the USA.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hate to double post but this is worth it

Ronald Reagan told this joke at some big event once upon a time.

A republican candidate was campaigning in an area where a republican felt like General Custer at Little Big Horn. (Or Napoleon at Waterloo for the Euro crowd)

He went to a farmhouse and identified himself and the farmer said Golll-leee, I hain't never seed a republican afore, lemme go git maw!!

So he got ma and while he was gone the candidate looked around for a podium of some sort and all he could find was a pile of stuff Bess Truman took 35 years to get Harry to call fertilizer.

When ma and pa got to the porch, the candidate gave his speech and they were impressed and said "we never heard a republican speech - that sounded real good.

And the candidate said "I never gave a republican speech from a democratic platform before either!!"
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area51newmexico
Goddess
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Joined: 08 Jul 2005
Posts: 10598
Location: East Yorkshire, England

PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 11:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As usual I'm nicking something from the BBC's article of the Edinburgh Fringe festival.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

Best one-liners:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
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area51newmexico
Goddess
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Location: East Yorkshire, England

PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...

What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first'


----------------------------

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, and I shot her.

---------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'
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